A meme is a wish your heart makes

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06 Jan 2019 04:10
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Sister: Listen, it's okay. You have so many talents. You should focus on the things you can do, not the things you can't.

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Me: I'm bad at everything. (kicks dirt)
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Sister: No, not true, you're just feeling defeated right now. You're good at lots of things.
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Me: Like cartwheels?
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Sister: Right, cartwheels. But what I was thinking was something like, for example, your discerning attention to detail. You're an excellent judge of character, too, and a keen observer of the world around you. You're sensitive, punctual, and…
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Me: Hey, remember that morning I made you all pancakes in the shape of two people having anal sex?
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Sister: Right. I remember. You fed them to the kids. I had to teach them all what leapfrog was afterwards, to try to explain away what they'd just seen. But when I said you're good at things, I was thinking not so much of sodomy pancakes, but more along the lines of your intellectual assets, like…
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Me: …like my wordless impression of Scott Scanlon, the 90's Beverly Hills 90210 character who accidentally killed himself in Season 2 while playing with his father's gun? Because, not to brag or anything, but seriously. Spot on, right? (twirls imaginary handgun, insecure eyes, twitchy smile)
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Sister: …or your ability to remain calm in times of medical emergency. You can be a source of comfort during difficult moments.
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Me: Yes, pillar of strength, plus yesterday I had a nostril-whistle with such incredible range that I performed almost five verses of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love." I was all (finger on earpiece, eyes closed in concentration, up-down Diva hands) and my nose was all hewwwwwwwww! hewwwwwwww! and then I exhaled too hard and it was all hewwwwwWOOOSH!! God. I wish you'd been there.
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Sister: Oh, me too. Definitely sad about that. My point is, don't feel badly about not being able to come up with a viral meme or a fun Tumblr idea. It's not for everyone, you know?
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Me: I was making such progress though. I even learned how to pronounce meme! It's "meem" not "mey-mey" just so you know. And then I almost learned what a meme is. And then I found Tumblr on the Internet, which is not easy on account of it's missing the "e". Did you know that?
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Sister: Yeah, the "e" is a huge hassle for young people. It's the most cumbersome of the vowels.
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Me: And then I started doing some research; I read all of Courage Wolf…
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<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bNJHRFlkFoE/TWS5u4ZsYqI/AAAAAAAAAs4/cFUMU8l6fCU/s1600/images-21.jpeg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576786453656789666" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bNJHRFlkFoE/TWS5u4ZsYqI/AAAAAAAAAs4/cFUMU8l6fCU/s400/images-21.jpeg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px; height: 225px;"></a>]
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then Pick-up Panda
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<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ttJwOXX0Anc/TWS5vHdE2LI/AAAAAAAAAtA/F_INC4vfG_E/s1600/Unknown-2.jpeg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576786457697507506" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ttJwOXX0Anc/TWS5vHdE2LI/AAAAAAAAAtA/F_INC4vfG_E/s400/Unknown-2.jpeg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px; height: 225px;"></a>]
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And then I found Garfield Minus Garfield, which consists of Garfield comics with Garfield edited out, leaving Jon muttering to himself, alone and mentally deranged. It may be my favorite thing ever.
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hD-gsbGJDmM/TWS6hIX2n6I/AAAAAAAAAtI/A5uTgKA4SEc/s1600/tumblr_lgbg0fqI4C1qz8z2ro1_500.png <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576787316937498530" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hD-gsbGJDmM/TWS6hIX2n6I/AAAAAAAAAtI/A5uTgKA4SEc/s400/tumblr_lgbg0fqI4C1qz8z2ro1_500.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 600px; height: 175px;"></a>]

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…and I figured, how hard could it be to create my own meme? Well. Very difficult, apparently.
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Sister: I first realized you were kind of off-track when you told me about your idea for Impatient German Alpaca. What was his catchphrase again?
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Me: You know, I honestly can't for the life of me seem to recall at this particular moment. Let's move on.
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Sister: I remember now! It was…
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Sister: …and that was all he ever said!
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Me: What else does an impatient German alpaca say besides schnell? I didn't have much to work with there, did I.
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Sister: And Eminemone, the rapping water polyp?
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Me: That was the most brilliant idea I've ever had, for about 30 seconds.
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Sister: And Ostrichard Dreyfus? And, what was it, Holocaust Reductionist Barnacle? Haha!!
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Me: Sensual Donkey, he was a good one.
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Sister: I was partial to Unsolicited Parenting Advice Trout.
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Me: I felt pretty good about Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu, myself.
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p4LUwZiTcL4/TWSzXVaCxEI/AAAAAAAAAso/e6PWxSxZGpY/s1600/emunutritionist.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576779452056257602" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p4LUwZiTcL4/TWSzXVaCxEI/AAAAAAAAAso/e6PWxSxZGpY/s400/emunutritionist.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 333px;"></a>]

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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8n8jpRDF-s/TWSzXLqPzWI/AAAAAAAAAsg/773pPnhqbD0/s1600/emunutritionistburn.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576779449439866210" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8n8jpRDF-s/TWSzXLqPzWI/AAAAAAAAAsg/773pPnhqbD0/s400/emunutritionistburn.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 333px;"></a>]
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Sister: Had you pursued it, you might have had something special with Sensitive Gorilla, too.
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DL4idxiTDlc/TWXICoYcUJI/AAAAAAAAAto/EN08mvX7g6o/s1600/sensitivegorilla4.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577083661093458066" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DL4idxiTDlc/TWXICoYcUJI/AAAAAAAAAto/EN08mvX7g6o/s400/sensitivegorilla4.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 384px; height: 291px;"></a>]

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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kIHMlllFU6c/TWS5BQM6LFI/AAAAAAAAAsw/trwMjojP4rA/s1600/sensitivegorilla3.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576785669771635794" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kIHMlllFU6c/TWS5BQM6LFI/AAAAAAAAAsw/trwMjojP4rA/s400/sensitivegorilla3.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 384px; height: 291px;"></a>]

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Sister: Although, I didn't really get your whole "Literal Animal Captions" idea. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
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Me: It's just you. Trust me. Those were comedy gold.
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<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uRpWW_jH5vA/TWQpFGG97WI/AAAAAAAAAp4/JdlprlEnYoI/s1600/hianteater.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627406107438434" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uRpWW_jH5vA/TWQpFGG97WI/AAAAAAAAAp4/JdlprlEnYoI/s400/hianteater.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 252px; height: 288px;"></a>
]<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7A0CroRADTo/TWQpEVdzBII/AAAAAAAAApY/3tXjEB7dv0M/s1600/alligatorhey.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627393049855106" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7A0CroRADTo/TWQpEVdzBII/AAAAAAAAApY/3tXjEB7dv0M/s400/alligatorhey.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 331px; height: 218px;"></a>]</p>
<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MU2vgAYJT2s/TWXImWOcypI/AAAAAAAAAtw/4IGiD_ammLY/s1600/chimphi.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577084274694998674" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MU2vgAYJT2s/TWXImWOcypI/AAAAAAAAAtw/4IGiD_ammLY/s400/chimphi.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 237px; height: 213px;"></a>]
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Sister: They're just saying hi. Is that it?
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Me: Shh, wait. There's more.
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ECmtS_lLr1k/TWQpXI5FfXI/AAAAAAAAAqY/V5HZX5LPP6w/s1600/tigersneeze.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627716092165490" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ECmtS_lLr1k/TWQpXI5FfXI/AAAAAAAAAqY/V5HZX5LPP6w/s400/tigersneeze.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 259px; height: 194px;"></a>]

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Me: They're funny because it's TOTALLY WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eRlBMISEjd8/TWQpFGRn92I/AAAAAAAAApw/Ih2lBquLbuo/s1600/fishhi.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627406152136546" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eRlBMISEjd8/TWQpFGRn92I/AAAAAAAAApw/Ih2lBquLbuo/s400/fishhi.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 328px; height: 220px;"></a>]

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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oxNeYGSZrf0/TWQpE65R-II/AAAAAAAAApo/RFb_hJzQCdo/s1600/birdsthatsmine.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627403097241730" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oxNeYGSZrf0/TWQpE65R-II/AAAAAAAAApo/RFb_hJzQCdo/s400/birdsthatsmine.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 321px; height: 225px;"></a>]

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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rsSj30H816I/TWQpXcZ5dTI/AAAAAAAAAqg/R5v0_agECuY/s1600/turtlerainy.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627721330062642" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rsSj30H816I/TWQpXcZ5dTI/AAAAAAAAAqg/R5v0_agECuY/s400/turtlerainy.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 194px; height: 259px;"></a>]

Sister: What happened here? Looks like you got a little lazy with these last ones.
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<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AwyjFByTN9Q/TWV1SpZFmsI/AAAAAAAAAtg/qaC0vJljxhE/s1600/snakesss.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576992676777401026" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AwyjFByTN9Q/TWV1SpZFmsI/AAAAAAAAAtg/qaC0vJljxhE/s400/snakesss.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 242px; height: 208px;"></a>]</p>
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<p>Me: Really? Why would you say that?</p>
<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GLekgYWw7Oc/TWQpWitR-pI/AAAAAAAAAqA/YO6skJ2u28M/s1600/monkeyahh.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627705842104978" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GLekgYWw7Oc/TWQpWitR-pI/AAAAAAAAAqA/YO6skJ2u28M/s400/monkeyahh.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 164px; height: 158px;"></a>]</p>
<p>Sister: Just a feeling. I dunno.</p>
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<p><a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2ou0QfUInEM/TWQpEln6THI/AAAAAAAAApg/alWAXl1y4cY/s1600/birdooo.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576627397387242610" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2ou0QfUInEM/TWQpEln6THI/AAAAAAAAApg/alWAXl1y4cY/s400/birdooo.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 296px; height: 244px;"></a>]
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Me: So, remember how I received all that positive feedback a couple weeks ago after I posted that photo of me holding a fake gun to my dog's head?

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Sister: Um. No.
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Me: Everyone thought it was so tasteful. People were emailing, begging for more implied animal violence. They just couldn't get enough!
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Sister: Really? Cause I remember it differently.
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Me: No they were like, "Bravo! This is just the kind of image that makes us all feel comfortable reading this blog today! Spare the gun, spoil the dog! Hooray!" I'm practically the next Cesar Milan, only I'm the Dog Shooterer. So I thought, you know what? I should just point my gun at stuff all day long, photograph it, and maybe start a Tumblr called "Pointing my gun at stuff, just 'cause." What do you think?
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Sister: (incredulous eyebrows)
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<a onblur="try parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully(); catch(e) " href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YaJRy0B8S6w/TWQsawJi4hI/AAAAAAAAAqw/4hsOZc3BQqI/s1600/IMG01987-20110222-1309.jpg <img alt=" "="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576631076704674322" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YaJRy0B8S6w/TWQsawJi4hI/AAAAAAAAAqw/4hsOZc3BQqI/s400/IMG01987-20110222-1309.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;"></a>]
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<div style="text-align: center; You better wipe that smirk right off your face, coffee maker,</div><div style=" text-align:="" center;="" or="" i'll="" do="" it="" for="" you.<="" iv="">
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<div style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" try="" parent.deselectbloggerimagegracefully();="" catch(e)="" "="" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xee2u2-4pkc/TWQsbJqTgPI/AAAAAAAAAq4/oSuawZJswCQ/s1600/IMG01989-20110222-1314.jpg <img alt=" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576631083552964850" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xee2u2-4pkc/TWQsbJqTgPI/AAAAAAAAAq4/oSuawZJswCQ/s400/IMG01989-20110222-1314.jpg"></div>]
<div style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 314px; height: 408px;" try="" parent.deselectbloggerimagegracefully();="" catch(e)="" "="" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q4RFz40nmmE/TWQ-f_0kMII/AAAAAAAAArQ/pcxmg7Izrd0/s1600/cathy.jpg <img alt=" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576650958020292738" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q4RFz40nmmE/TWQ-f_0kMII/AAAAAAAAArQ/pcxmg7Izrd0/s400/cathy.jpg"></div>]

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Sister: (wide eyes)
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Me: What?!
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Sister: (wide eyes)
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Me: People get murdered in comic strips all the time. It's a very violent medium.
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Sister: (wide eyes)
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Me: Are you looking at me like that because I shot Cathy in the head? Or because I gleeked on your face a second ago? Which one? Hello?
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Source: http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/2011/02/meme-is-wish-your-heart-makes.html</i></i>
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